Sunday, September 24, 2006

u know its like. in secondary school. it was never a matter of passing. it was about the A1 and the A2s. its like the thought of retaining never came into ur mind. it always seemed like a given thing.

and den come jc life. it seems like the whole lot of us r thrown into the deep end. no longer can we shake our legs, park ourselves in front of the comp, and enjoy that daily 10 hour slumber. and sometimes we work our socks off, strive till we r down to bare bones. and it seems like, wad the heck must u do to do well in jc.

u know its like, for once in my life. reality just sets in, it just smacks me in the face. its like tmr promos are starting. wad have i really done about it? den all my anxiety sets in, all the fear, all the worry, all the stress.

the anxiety of how difficult the papers may be.
the fear of forgetting all u have studied.
the stress that u need to meet up to everyone else as well as ur own expectations.

its really gives u a feel of the real world doesnt it. its just so competitive nowadays. i just keep telling myself, i want excellence. but if i cant even pass my friggin papers, how do i compete with those breed of straight A students. my gosh, people like me have a long way to go.

den its like i keep thinking, and i go like, i m studying, or at least i m putting in more effort den i used to. and i m doing more den i did for midyears, i remembered midyears man, i just sit there and let myself die.

and it somewhat seems so inadequate.

but today, during service, this great presence came knocking at the door of my heart. and i let Him in momentarily. and for that moment, the stress, the anxiety, the worries, they went away. and there was the peace that surpassed all understanding. at that moment i felt like hey man, i could be a world shaker and a history maker.

but den the day sank in after service, was studying in macs, i 4got that it was He who gave me strength, i 4got that it was He who took me from utterly screwed in prelims to scores that i could at least raise my head and acknowledge for my O levels. and 9 months down the road...

it came back to me. the whole year. its all been so screwed. so lost. so directionless. it was always the God factor. and minus that God factor, i just let stuff get me down that would never have got a chance in the past.

without God, i guess we really open up windows for the devil to wreck havoc and inject turmoil into our lives. we can take a rest from study, from work, but the devil works full time. and he just turns that favour of men inside out. he deceives u into deceiving urself. he tells u things arent that bad, but the fact is u shouldnt be going on like that. even the purest and most innocent relationships he defiles. he takes away ur perspective. he screws with ur conscience, he screws with ur integrity. ultimately, he robs u of ur vision, ur purpose.

been wandering in the dark way too long. i wanna find that shekinah glory, dwell in the holy of holies. all over again. and when do i start. i start now.

and now i m sitting here, as i remember the stuff dat came into my head in service. its like first i saw myself in a business suit. and yet i seemed to be sitting on stairs. it was almost like it was telling me, u can choose the suit or choose the stairs. and den i was like, duh i choose the suit, den its like next dark clouds sort of unraveled before me, and i saw the light, and i was just thinking, Father, Your glory is always gonna shine through right. and as i thought, tears just ran down my cheeks and it guess it was such a long time since i cried that much in service.

and the lyrics of glory shines just seemed to fit everything at that moment. after service i 4got about it. but now as the moment comes into reminiscent. it just becomes clear.

Abba God, i m coming back to the heart of worship...i m running back to You...i m nothing without You...just a shadow passing through...

|cowpoo| 7:59 PM|

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